I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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