I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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