is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
