I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
