my mouth tastes like poor choices
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
