hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Drake has all the answers
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
