Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize