I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
