If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
