I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
