If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
