I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My life is pants optional.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
