So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
