My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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