someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
