hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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