The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
