two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
