were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Randomize
