God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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