When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
