oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
