No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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