life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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