Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
