I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
