There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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