In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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