Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
