just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
