I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
