She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
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