you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
But break dance skills will only take you so far
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.