Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
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We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
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so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants