I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
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I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
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There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN