I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
