I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
