I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
