on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
