shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
