My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
