with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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