I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
