I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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