3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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