i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
