Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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