I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
