We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
