i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
