you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
