I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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