i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
