Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize