So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
