We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
