It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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