Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
