Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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