I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i drank out of a bidet.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
