she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
