So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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