whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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